Tag Archives: happiness

It’s My Life!

12 Jun

(And I want to Travel!)

Warning: This post is some kind of a rant.

Explaining my life choices is not something I am very good at. I believe that we are all entitled to make decisions about how are we going to live our life, and having to explain why I opt for something over another thing is really unnecessary, and not to mention, quite emotionally draining. Sometimes, those people who ask you to explain your decisions are those who do not really support your choices. What is even more exhausting is defending your choice, especially against someone who cannot clearly understand why you are putting “settling down” on hold for long-term travel.

I recently had a conversation with an old friend who has settled down, started a family and now has a really cute kid. It got me kind of riled up in the end, and kind of disappointed, too. But then I realized I should not expect everyone to fully understand why I have this lifestyle, and should not care that much whether they do or they don’t.

 Me: I don’t really want to be tied down right now, I need my freedom. Especially now that I’m traveling.

Friend: You don’t want to have kids? Why? You’re weird

Me: I am just not ready for it. I don’t know if eventually I will be ready to settle down and have a family, but as of the moment, it’s really not part of my plan as of the moment. I want to travel, experience new things, meet lots of people and hopefully, learn more. Not to mention, there’s no one I want to have kids with yet! Hahaha!

Friend: But children are gifts from God. I was so lonely before I had my kid, but now I am just so happy.

Me: I am sure you are! But as I said, I’m just not ready.

Friend: Who will take care of you when you grow old? You will be alone.

Me: I don’t really care about that.

Friend: Fine, enjoy your life now. I hope you won’t regret this when you’re older, and can’t have kids anymore. 

I’ve had conversations like this in the past, although most are about me not continuing my law studies, or having a “weird” job, but they were not as critical as this one. I felt sad about his opinion on what I’ve decided to do. And while I do not adhere to most of his beliefs, I do respect his choice. I mean people get married and have kids all the time and are absolutely happy. And I think that is great and amazing! It takes a lot of commitment and love to be able to do that. I would not even think they settled for something less unless they tell me that they feel they have. My friend’s disrespect of my choice was such a huge letdown.

He did make a few seemingly valid points that, until about a few years ago, I used to believe in. Marriage and kids will give your life meaning. You won’t grow old alone when you’ve got kids, they will take care of you when you’re all wrinkled and weary. Work now, save, and travel later.

I don’t think I can accept these things anymore. I just know that different things in life can make us feel perfectly content and that there is no one all-encompassing formula to happiness. However, our conversation has made me question again so many things that I previously believe in.

1. Why do I need to feel “fulfilled”? Can I not have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, for new experiences and for adventures?

2. Can I not give my own life its meaning and not rely on other people doing it for me?

3. Why should I be afraid of growing old alone when what I should be afraid of is growing old and not be able to do the things that I want to do?

4. Why would I want to have kids, raise them and then have this expectation that they will take care of me when I am old and weary?

5. Why should I be overly concerned about the future?

Frankly, I do not have all the answers to these questions (and I still have a lot more in my mind). And sometimes I do stress about not knowing what lies ahead. At the end of the day though, I just realize that life is not about doing everything “right”.  I do not have my future all-planned, but so what? I know I won’t be able to please everybody with my life choices. And anyway, I am not here to be a people-pleaser. I did that before, and it made me miserable.

I am currently living my dream to travel. And I am not on a holiday where everything is supposedly sunny and bright and happy. This is not something I will do for a few months and then I’d return to “normal” life and then get myself a “real job”. This is already my life. I go thru stress, heartbreak, and whatnots like everyone else. I do have problems, believe it or not.

We all want to be able to live our life to the fullest. And if you’re lucky, you get to choose how to live your life. Right now, this is what I want, this is MY choice. It may not be the same as yours. And if you are worried about my happiness or my future, don’t be. I am not worried about yours. I am pretty sure you will do well. So please, won’t you just have a little faith in me?

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Overcoming Fears, Bicycle Rides and Childlike Happiness

28 Mar

Bikes for Rent parked on the street in Luang Prabang, Laos

I was never an adventurous kid–is an understatement. Mainly because I wasn’t really allowed to go and run off freely without my nanny (uhm yes I had one of those, it is quite common in the Philippines). And I wasn’t permitted to learn how to ride a bike. Most of my friends from school knew how to ride and I could only look at them with envy whenever they pass by our house on their bikes during weekends. I wanted so much to learn so I did what every kid, who wants something REASONABLE so bad, had to do–I sneaked out, told my mom some white lie about hanging out with a schoolmate and doing homework together and learned without her consent.

I am afraid though that I was a clumsy kid (still am, last time I checked). I was only too excited when I finally learned how to ride a bike after seemingly-endless number of days (number of days learning=number of white lies told). My sneaking around was totally worth it! Bike rides were so much fun and my secret would have remained hidden had I not gotten involved in an accident that left a huge wound on my left elbow. Afraid of being berated for my disobedience, I hid my wound by wearing a long-sleeved shirt. However, truth has a way of making itself known. My mom soon found out what happened and well, as expected, not only was I grounded for weeks, I was not able to ride any bicycle from then until probably a few years after. My childhood dream of spending summers riding a bike was shattered. I cried like the baby that I was.

That was one of the most vivid memories of my childhood and I realized I have not outgrown my love for bicycles. After five months of living in Chiang Mai, I am now a proud owner of a second-hand PINK and totally girly bike! Public transportation is actually pretty convenient here so I never had a problem. The songthaews can take me anywhere for 20 Baht (songthaews are red cars found in Thailand that kind of remind me of Philippine jeepneys, only, they are not colorful and they don’t play disco music/remixed 80′s ballad). I also got occasional motorbike and bicycle rides from friends, and of course, I walked to my favorite places numerous times. I do love walking and I live in the center of the city so it is quite easy. And the weather is usually quite nice, too, so walking is lovely most of the time. But a good friend I met in CM, who would sometimes give me bicycle rides whenever he’d show me a new coffee shop or a place he thinks I would like, encouraged me to get my own bike. I guess Nathan got really tired of me and my constant giddiness whenever I get a free bike ride. I sang Christmas songs and forced him to sing along while we were on the bike. A Thai guy on a motorbike sort of made fun of us one time–I didn’t understand what this guy was telling me, but he was looking at my friend and the bike and smiling at me so we sort of assumed he was wondering why I did not have a guy friend who was more badass and had a motorbike (I’d like to think he found me rather adorable in that passenger seat wearing my sunniest yellow dress).

Before finally deciding to buy one, I rented a bike first to check if I can still do it. Riding the bicycle made me childishly happy, and there was no doubt then that I had to get one! However, before the bike purchase, I was having second thoughts due to my near-accident in Luang Prabang, Laos. An SUV missed me by mere five inches (more or less) while I was biking around town. I could not control the bike downhill and I literally started praying for my life before I got into the intersection. I was really scared after and almost swore off biking then and there!

But I recalled reading something about trying to do things that scare you everyday and I thought that it was so cool to be able to do that! Also, it is an awesome way to live life to the fullest. Then, I remembered why I started traveling in the first place: I wanted to overcome my fears, to be challenged in many ways and to do things out of my comfort zone. And cycling is definitely quite dangerous (for the not-so adventurous me, I suppose).

Few days after I got my bike, I already hit a pedestrian on a sidewalk and collided with another bike. Nothing grave happened to me only that the pedestrian was super pissed and with a scary look asked me “what the hell was I doing” (he’s an old guy with a rather young girl so I probably unconsciously wanted to hit him). Aside from that, things have been not-so-smooth sailing but quite good so far.

I will be in Chiang Mai for a few more months and I plan to ride my bike every chance I get. I still feel both giddy and scared every time. I press the bell for no reason sometimes and smile silly. I still stop for a few minutes and wait until I am absolutely sure that all vehicles have passed me by. And even now, I get nervous whenever I hear a van or a seemingly-huge vehicle behind and hope that it won’t hit me, EVER. I also get a little panicky when a vehicle tries to overtake me or stops in front of me.

But childlike happiness trumps fear every time, no question about it.

I haven’t absolutely conquered my fear just yet, but I am slowly getting there.

And well…I guess that is something wonderful. :)

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